THE ROOTS OF BLONDISM One of the most profound lessons I have learnt is that blonde women are a minority species promoted with fascistic zeal in media-maximized countries by unenlightened fools who believe that the blonde represents some form of high order.
In one word: BLONDISM.

All the great blondes - Ciccone, Monroe, Spears are straight out of a bottle anyway. For a true blonde you need look no further than the northern most parts of Europe and the shores of Scandinavia. (I have heard there is a small colony of natural blondes camped out in Brazil but, frankly, like a bearable second on a Ronan Keating LP, I refuse to believe it exists.)

These micro-minority strawheads - their bleach-kissed curls receiving interstellar signals of a megalomaniacal bent - traversed the globe to settle in its most gullible and media saturated parts: The non-continental west. In short: the UK, North America and Australia. From these bases they launched their bid to become the World's Aesthetic Darlings (WADs). And, man alive, they succeeded. From the cultural high ground of a Playboy centrespread to the socio-political visual barometer of the hallowed Page 3, they came, men came, they conquered. The freakishly unnaturally bottomed Minogue and the Silicone pumped Anderson were born.

Forget the Southern European: the Italian, the Spanish, the Portuguese, the French, the Turkish; forget the South American: the Columbian, the Chilean, the Brazilian, the Uruguayan, The Argentinian, the Honduran, Ecuadorian, the Guatemalan, the Peruvian; forget the Asian: the billion-strong Chinese, the Japanese, the Thai, the Laos, the Korean, the Taiwanes and Vietnamese. Forget the birthplace of civilization: Africa - from the dictator funk of Lagos to the noonday swelter of Nairobi from the Tunis beach to the Cape Town car jack. Forget the Indian, the Pakistani, The Kasmiri. Forget the Inuit, the new Guinean, the mau mau, the Siberian, the Caribbean, the Middle Eastern. Forget the 5.5 billion people who roam this terrain bereft of blonde roots.Let's just remember that Kylie, Britney and Pamela rock our Peroxide, WhiteOut world.

WARNING: YOU CAN EXPECT TO ENCOUNTER THE NATURAL BLONDE IN THE FOLLOWING VICINITIES: Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Germany, the Nederlands, parts of Russia, and sporadic regions in Eastern Europe.

ANYWHERE ELSE means… THEY ARE LYING.