The stuff that floats around the internet … it scares the teeth out of me. Take a look at this for example, some stray memo that drifted in on its way to Bermuda.

MEMORANDUM

To: Sean Connery

From: Linus Chubley, D.I.K Enterprises

Date: the 1st of forever

Subject: Grapenuts Although popular as a breakfast meal this densely fibrous stew does have its failings.

1. It's strangely citrus tang suggests that the accompanying milk has turned bad. This can lead some consumers to dump an entire four pinter down the plug hole.

2. The texture of the grape nut is reminiscent of recently mixed cement, and sits on the consumer's stomach lining as such.

3. There are no grapes in it, and precious little nuts.

4. The nuts look, and some say taste, strangely similar to hydrogenated soya mince. Soya mince is not, as yet, favoured by the breakfast crowd.

5. After several spoonfuls the going becomes increasingly rough and the cereal soon becomes entirely inedible.

In conclusion Mr. Connery, I can but surmise - in a terse precis of my considerations - the deductive synopsis that Grape Nuts will only ever be seen as a wholly masochistic start to the day, or as penance for a crippling constipatory ailment. Your thoughts would be most welcome.

P.S. Any chance of a return to the silver screen as Special agent 007? As a bald role model your performance would be unparalleled