Untitled Document

MARV: Now, Rick, apart from being named after the aged American funk king with the fashion Alaska haircut, you're editor of T & A. What's it all about?

RICK: Well, for me T & A magazine is a chisel in the pre-millennial demographics, a kind of token, if you will, of post-contextual verbiage.

MARV: And what does the 'T' stand for?

RICK: I think it is self-evident, broadly reflective of the humour of our readership.

MARV: Right, so it stands for Tits.

RICK: Ermm…yes…that's right.

MARV: And the A?

RICK: That stands for arse.

MARV: Tits and Arse…nice. I can hear what you're saying about pre-millennial demographics. Now, Ed, you edit Raunch UK, a magazine provided with absorbent paper, so there's no hiding its use.

ED: Well…no.

MARV: You're a professional geezer.

ED: Well…I like to think so.

MARV: So, why do you look like such an amateur? The jacket is from Top Man and the look is pure mid-80s. It's Wall street, it's a sartorial calamity.

ED: (Begins to answer) Yu….r….

MARV: Prick, these babes that you smear all over the covers. They're like the bait, right?

RICK: Definitely. If one of our punters is fishing in the newsagent…with his rod, ahem!…we want to provide the most alluring bait in the river.

MARV: So, he sees the cover, gets out his tackle and she's hooked.

RICK: …Who…I'm sorry, who's hooked?

MARV: The babe, she's hooked.

RICK: I'm sorry, I don't follow.

MARV: Well, look at the cover of this month's edition. The babe, Jaundice, is standing like she's trying to pick up her contacts but something has simultaneously twisted her spine like an old piece of hangman's twine, and she's trying to hold her left nipple in place. Is that the hook?

RICK: What…the hu…where?

MARV: In her back, deep in her arse bone. Standing like some smashed cripple with marrow made out of angel delight. I mean have you ever seen a real woman stand like that outside of a Chiropractors.

ED: Well, Marv, that's hardly the point.

MARV: And that expression. She's got to be sub-mental, right?

RICK: No…no! I cannot accept that. Jaundice is a lovely smart babe.
She's just completed her GCSE re-takes and she's expecting straight A's.

ED: Not DDs? How about an E!

RICK: I find this quite insulting.

MARV: Well, I'm sorry, but you've spunked this poor deformed creature all over your wank mag and, by the looks of it, stuffed her lips full of silicon blancmange and injected her eyes full of love juice. She looks like a freak! You hook the babe to use her as bait and after you've finished do you chuck her back in the river?

The transcript falters for 15 seconds here as only the noises of commotion can be heard.

MARV: But ultimately, what I love about these magazines, fellas, is the way you've transformed the market. Ed?

ED: Well, before we arrived, the men's lifestyle sector was extremely stagnant. And we feel, we've revitalized this with good journalism, snappy features and a drop or two of good, old fashioned British sauce.

MARV: That's right, because a few year's back it was all cars and stock option Hugo boss suits and politics. Now you studs are running 10 page spreads on how to get the perfect shave.

RICK: We're educational.

MARV: Fantastically so. I think the most cleverest whatyoumacallit that you stallions have done is change the emphasis.

ED: We're always trying to shift the goal posts, reassessment is absolutely key to growth.

RICK: We absolutely aim to push the envelope.

MARV: And what's in that envelope?

RICK: Sorry?

MARV: Is it Lloyd Grossman trying to dribble a raspberry coulis over Candy Summit's melon sourbet? In a word: smut.

RICK: You can't keep resorting to this kind of slander!

MARV: 5 years ago men's mags were, for want of better words strictly for wankers. The lads in the city, office misogynists, the proto yuppies, and now you've turned it full circle because you're putting out glossy rags that are strictly for wanking over. Fantastic re-alignment. Very ironic.

RICK: Well, I don't think that we put out wank mags.

MARV: T & A's not a wank mag? Some twisted Babe on every page, lager and football references every 200 words, come on Rick! Even your name is one letter short of your John Thomas!

ED: No, I must refute this idea that we are simply smut peddlers.

MARV: You guys are gusset sniffers, and thanks for coming in. Now it's time for 21st Century Semantics with Gertrude Stein on location at the Hot Frolic in Leicester Square. Gertrude!

Confusion and noise. As the tape fades out the following can be heard.

MARV: Boys, calm down (They don't ). Alright, alright! What motor you driving?

ED: A Lexus. RICK: I drive an E-type Jag.

MARV: Lovely upholstery .

RICK: It's great for back seat jobs.

ED: It's a fabulous casting couch.

Tape ends.