BIF GETS TO GRIP WITH THE R.W.T CRAZE THAT IS TURNING THE NATION JAPANESE

Ever since Swiss Physician, Samuel Andre Tissot, published his 1758 treatise, L'Onanisme, claiming that 'masturbation was the root of all mental illness' boys and girls have been going groinally crazy trying to prove the old chap wrong.

From Billy Shakespeare's 'Love Labour's Lost' to Philip Roth's 'Portnoy's Complaint'; from the majority of Woody Allen's films, to the very existence of Jeffrey Archer, Polishing the Family Jewels has been an activity often alluded to but rarely demonstrated in public. Until now. A gloopy craze is sweeping the nation, making the going sticky underfoor. It's name: RISKY WANK TIME (RWT).

You think that girl is having an epileptic seizure down that alley? Think that well- dressed old duffer, in the corner of the library with the dictionary on his lap is having heart palpatations? Think that geezer inthe souped-up Ford Capri next to you at the traffic lights is having trouble with his gear stick? No baby, they're all Risky Wankers!

When RADIO SQAT invited listeners to phone in with their most hectic Parking the Package moments, the lines were nearly BLOWN by the influx of telephonic finger action. Those with digits sufficiently exercised to get through included ex-Prime Ministerial muppet, John Major, Grand prix's Damon Hill and top BOFFCHOPS, Prof. Stephen Hawking. Locally, Gywne Jones, leader of Brighton and Hove Council, admitted to many a religious studies lesson spent engaging in the practical study of ONAN. Local MP, Ivor Caplin observed that he had often contemplated Oiling his Barge Pole during Committee meetings in the Town Hall. Radio One DJ, Pete Tong gave SQAT all the soiled sleeve notes on the night he'd manned his decks and dicked the friction on his cross fader at the Zap Club - an establishment renowned for its Exhibitionist Wankers. Another Radio One DJ, Tim 'No Doubt' Westwood called in, but no-one knew what on earth he was on about. 'Damn straight!, No diggity doubt, s'all about the bling bling and d'ice Baby, fu real!'.

Although unavailable for comment, local Roy Castle straight man, Norris McWhirter, has been seen checking his statistics in Brighton's Reference Library. Sports commentator, David Vine eulogised over his favourite hobby of Pocket Snooker. 'I love going for a 147 break, working on my cue action, stroking the balls into the pockets...'

One caller did recount the story of a long standing argument with his parents over his vegetarianism which ended with him secretly Plugging his Lunk into the GIBLET HOLE of a Chicken as it defrosted on the kitchen table in preparation for Sunday's roast dinner. The young man missed the meal and therefore couldn't gauge his parent's reaction to the extra roux sauce. This story was, obviously, far too disgusting to broadcast.

Callers drenched the SQAT PHONE with sticky fingered tales of Gardening with  the Golden trowel in the compost heap, knocking one out whilst up an apple tree overlooking the local Police Station, taking matters in hand a mere pane away from the window cleaner. Not forgetting the young man who whipped his wire whilst hiding behind the sofa on which his Uncle, Aunt and Grandmother sat watching 'Masterchef'.

THE WANKERS OF THE WORLD HAVE TAKEN TO THE STREETS. BIF's ADVICE: don't walk barefoot.

HIS: The Top 10 terms for Testicular Titillation.

FLOGGIN THE DOLPHIN  

VISITING MRS. PALMER

PICKLING THE PEPPER THAT PETER PIPER PICKED

HAVING A J. ARTHUR (RANK)

BEATING THE BISHOP

PLAYING TUG OF WAR WITH CYCLOPS

DOING THE 5 FINGER BOOGIE UP THE FLESH CATWALK

FIRING THE JISM GUN/AIMING THE RIFLE

WAPPING THE WRINKELED WEENIE

MAJORING THE SHERMAN TANK

HERS: The 10 most Unmentionables:

PEARLING THE OYSTER

BLAGGING THE BEAVER

DIPPING THE FISH

GETTIN' BUSY IN THE UNDERGROWTH

GUSHING THE GASH

TWEETING YR TWEEKER

FRISKING THE FURBURGER

PATTING PUSSY

PARTING THE PINK WAVES

CLENCHING THE CLIT

FINGER LICKING THE FISH CLIPS