A Guide To Tantra Part 1

Hi, my name is Redge Pierce and over the coming months I'll be appearing here with a series of articles aimed at enhancing your love life.

Ask most ladies and they'll agree that sex isn't a simple matter of a few spazzy tulip thrusts and a whimpering ejaculation. In fact friends, before you begin thinking about y'tulip and her honey pot and where you're going to be putting them, you need to make a kind of love nest or chamber. This month we're going to be dealing with this important first step of 'how to set the scene' (so don't go expecting any dirty pictures cos it just isn't going to happen).

1. First off, a bloke can't expect to get anywhere with a lady unless he's got a decent motor.

Think of your motor as a chariot. The journey from the pub should be as smooth as possible, don't drive too fast, that'll give entirely the wrong impression and may lead your chosen mate to think that you carry out the love act in a similar fashion. Make sure the seat covers have been polished with 'Pledge' and have one of them traffic light smelly things hanging from the rear view mirror (These should be replaced at least every five or six years cos the whiffy pong fluid inside doesn't last forever.)

2. The love chamber

When you carry the little lady over the threshold into your pad she should not be confronted by the aroma of old socks and chinese take away cartons and neither should she have to endure the sight of dirty coffee mugs and bits of fallen food scattered liberally over a threadbare carpet.

However you live your daily life, always remember that when it comes to your love life your home should be a palace of sensuality. Make an effort.

Fill the air with the aroma of spring blooms. You can do this easily by spraying every room for ten minutes with one of those spray air fresheners. In my experience the ladies are particularly keen on the smell of pine forests and of course tulips (No not that one!!).

Rip up some daffodils from the local recreation ground and scatter the petals over the bed sheets.

Gather up all the cushions from around the house and place them in the bedroom/love chamber. You should position the cushions as artistically as possible and ideally you should have enough scattered around the room that no matter where your loving takes you there will be no sore knees or grazed butt cheeks. If you don't have that many cushions a simple trick is to gather together all your spare pillow cases and fill them with scrunched up newspaper.

Finally, its a nice touch to fill the room with sacred objects upon which the eye dwells with delight. I usually use my collection of 70's sunglasses, a mug which carries the message, 'my mates went all the way to Brighton & all they brought back was this lousy old mug.', a BIG FUN T-shirt and a polished camshaft from a V12 engine that I bought at the car boot sale.

3. Other stuff you're going to need.

Your love chamber should also contain all of the stuff you're going to need once the love making begins. Vegetable oil, a plate full of lemon slices, a stone, a sea shell, more daffodils from the park , yet more air freshening spray, some aftershave, a hair brush and a bag of sweets. Find out why next month.

Oh and remember, its in your interests to wear clean(ish) pants.